I walk through walls.

Wow I didn't know that anybody read this. I'm not feeling much today, just tired from it all. Felt like I should update this, as it's yet another failed thing that I've let slide. Can't stick with anything now. But I don't even know what to say. Just missing my P. Grey, gloomy cold day. Trying not to feel too much.

Had a briefly good, then bad night a few days ago courtesy of some vodka mixer. The week before that I was actually not bad... waking up early and the weather was nice. I bought plants for some reason to put on the deck, and ate breakfast outside and did some yard work which I like. Then it got cold, rainy, I started waking up late again, and a lot of the plants died. Guess that good week was a silly fantasy world anyway.

I have to make the decision to leave our house and let my landlord know. Tonight. The thought sickens me, but I haven't found any bags of money buried in the yard so I know what I have to do. I hate the thought of leaving 'our' house. It's the only thing that comforts me. I can zone out on our couch during a tv show and forget things for a while. I'm grateful for that even, because it's progress from where I was at a month or two out where I couldn't even go a few seconds without thinking of the pain. I know he's not coming back and we'll never get to build our life together in this house like we planned, but moving into some hole in a cheaper city isn't something I'm looking forward to.

I don't want to change my cable/phone/internet because it won't be under his name anymore. I don't want to have to pack up his shoes from the front hall closet. It would be weird to put them back out in a new place. I don't want to lose the smell in the bedroom. Sometimes it smells like him. Rarely, but sometimes. Moving means it never will. None of this is logical or really should matter, but it does.

I'd rather not think about anything at all and just sleep the year away... which I almost have. It was 10 months yesterday. I ate the other half of the meal I froze on Valentine's Day. I'm not eating enough again.

>Insert Radiohead Lyrics<

That there
That's not me
I go
Where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
And I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here