Fucking pity party

Right now, I hate myself. I hate who I am, who I'm becoming, and what I'm not.
I also hate my life. I LOVE what it was, hate what it is, and hate what it's not.

I feel like such a loser. I started a night class tonight, and we had to do the dreaded introductions. I hate explaining myself to people. I hate that I have no response to their questions. My name, what do I during the day, where I'm from. I can't even answer all that. What do I say? I'm an unemployed loser wasting money on a night class so I can feel human. I'm widowed and 29. Yes that is too young to be widowed. Yes that is too old to start life all over again. Yes I'm wasting my degrees and I do nothing during the day.

This isn't even what's really bugging me. Or is it? I don't know who I even am anymore. I just want P back so the shotgun blast that cancer tore through my life could be stuffed back up with love and purpose in the proper way.

You know, I haven't posted since the 9th because I got drunker than ever before that night. I haven't had any since, but it was a new low. I dumped all my thoughts out on someone and let them see me at my worst, which scares me to death.

I tried mending my wound with other things, it didn't work. I destroyed them and ripped it right open. I fucking hate all this.