Low

I'm trying to fix my messed up body clock again so that I'm not waking up in the evening. Usually I do this by staying up all night and day, but I didn't make it. I fell asleep from 2pm-11pm which is madness. Nightmares on the couch and a sore neck, great. I slept again this morning from 8am-10am so maybe I'm good for a week or so of being on schedule with the humans.

Last night while I was up was a new low I think. I miss P so much and there is nothing I can do. I worry this will make me crazy. I worry it's ruining any small chance I had at even pretending to fit into society. I feel like those people on that Hoarders show, only there's no visible hoard. It's all inside me. Hormones makes it seriously unbearable, I hate being female. They didn't used to send me into serious depressions. I'd love to have a bunch of cramps instead. Physical f-ed upness beats mental f-upness.

Today's a new day though, I feel a bit better. I ate a human breakfast before noon which is an accomplishment. Maybe I'll go take pictures of spring bulbs.

Right now my cat is keeping me sane. I'm glad P wanted to get one and I'm glad she picked him out. I tell her she's supposed to take care of me for him. I love when she wakes me up, purring and pushing her face into mine. Sometimes she falls asleep downstairs and wakes up and I've gone to sleep upstairs. She has a few rapid cries and I let her know where I am and she comes running. It's the closest I get now to someone caring that I exist in the day to day. My grey angel. My little familiar.