Recluse

In keeping with my theme of doing things all-or-nothing, I seem to go through these stages of just disappearing. I'm alone whether or not I'm around other people, so it just seems easier to be alone. At least I can talk to P and be a mess. Even chatting with people online, keeping up with Facebook or typing random dribbles in this blog is too much. How lazy.

Going to bed after sunrise, and waking up in the evening isn't helping. I've been looking for a job, but it scares the shit out of me. I feel like I've been away from the tedium of 'normal' people for so long, that I'll never be able to fit in. How can I possibly work when I'm hitting the snooze when the alarm goes off at 4pm after 13 hours sleep?

Just sitting there and watching tv is so much easier than all this. Whenever I think about how shitty my life is now without Steve, it depresses me. Tv makes it all a blank slate (for the most part) so I can just sit back like a zombie. Everything is just another form of filling time anyway. I wish that I knew if I'm going to see P again. That would be something to look forward to, or at least one less thing to worry about.

I miss him so much, it's excruciating.